All my hard work and learning to live in the community exploded, don’t ask me how or why, as my mental health has a lot to answer for. Although I take full responsibility for myself, some days are harder and more confusing than others. I had a complete relapse back into my old lifestyle of drink, drugs. this had been my chaotic life for the last 5/6 weeks, so going to prison, I was in a bad way. I hadn’t taken my medication and mentally I was all over the place. I had 6 weeks worth of growth on my face, like a beard, I hadn’t washed and I had worn the same clothes in all of the madness of this relapse. To put it politely I didn’t look or smell too good.It;s the first of May 2020 and that old familiarality rattle of keys and the banging on the door sent shivers through me, as I realised that I wasn;t dreaming. I was back in jail and the sense of dread, shame, sorrow and sadness hit me like a brick in the face. As I was trying to make sense of what, who, where I am, I could hear the screw shouting McMullen,!!! are you McMullen?!!!! I couldn;t even answer him. Get ready he shouts, Your up at Bristol Crown Court this morning for Pleas & Ds. This is Pleads & Directions to the Judge so they can organise a future trial date for my case of carrying an offence weapon. I struggle out of the bed but, the tiredness of prisons and institutions are weighing heavily on my heart. Anything could happen today at court . I;m pleading guilty, so the Judge might just sentence me today.

I;m in Exeter Prison, some 60/70 miles from Bristol Crown Court. Due to the start of Covid 19, Exeter was the only prison that would take me. Furthermore, from past experiences, I have the misery of spending hours in a in a sweatbox, For somebody that doesn;t understand what I mean by a ‘sweatbox, it;s like putting me in a wardrobe,then putting the wardrobe in a van. As you can imagine, that is just another misery to add to my miserable day… It’s not just the milage, it’s the hours sitting in the ‘sweatbox (prison van) waiting at each gate. Nothing moves until it’s all be completely security cleared and some gates and drive throughs within the judicial system could take hours. If it’s quick, I might be at each gate for 20 minutes or so. as the van and myself will be checked then checked again…

I am hearing a few snippets from reception screws saying, ”You was a bit of an handful coming here 28 days ago, (between 10 & 12 officers had to esort you) I don’t have much recollection, so I’m trying to piece together what I can. I got here under escort as I was classed as having Covid 19 when I got arrested by the Dr. Therefore, under serious quarantine I was escorted to a cell and left in there untill this moring where I am going to court. (28 days later). However, on quarantine I did not see a single prisoner, just nurses/screws doing my checks each day in my cell, 24 hours a day, no exercise, my food was brought to my cell by PPE, (that’s all I could see) and as you can imagine, I wasn’t anybodies favourite and they didn’t really want me in their prison,so I didn’t get the best treatment. or any treatment.

I had spent over 40 years in one form of institution or another and my heart was heavy, I was tired of being tired. Moreover I really felt that I could not do it anymore, I was a broken man. Emotionally I was all over the place, I had reached an age in life where I had a lot less years a head of me than what I had behind me. I have no wife or children, this was through the lifestyle that I had led. The thought of this did not help when I was feeling so low. However, amongst all that chaos and turmoil I could still find the positive I think well, no wife or children, I may have destroyed and wasted my own life but, atleast I did not destroy any body elses. The people I hurt over the years was my victims which I am deeply ashamed of and wish my life would of been different for them. After finishing my last two year sentence I promised myself that this is it. I will not be hurting anybody else or mysef anymore, Im gonna live a live thats acceptable for a 56 year old man to live. A socially acceptable life, thats not only acceptable to me but, to society as a whole.

After many hours of sitting in the sweatbox and a lot of miles behind me, I could just make out a motorway sign through the slit in the sweatbox, blackedout window as we turned off the big roundabout that said; Filton M32. Now I know that I am nearing Bristol Crown Court, Ive guessed that Im less than half an hour away. I;ve just past the fone tower. I;m not thinking striaght my mind is all over the place, I know in my heart that if this all goes wrong today, that I wouldn;t have much grounds for an appeal if the Judge gives me a descetionary life sentence. I’m imaging the worst, although I am being realistic with myself. The Judge could easy give me an eight. This was realistic, I’m running up the road with two knives, one in each hand, shouting and bawling for some reason unknown even to myself. Moreover, from the inside looking out, I could be seen as a very dangerous man. especially doing 12-years for Attempted Murder along with other violent offences in my previous convictions. This was a real worrying time for me, I knew the consequences of my actions was very serious. I was in a mind set that at 56 if the Judge gave me any thing over 5years, I simply wasn’t going to do. I’d made up my mind that I was going to take my own life…

I have been released over 4 weeks now and my life is already taken a turn for the better. Im motivated to continue writing , I’ve received emails from the Gaurdian Newspaper saying parts of my blog have been quoted in a couple of their articles on crime & Justice. Which was a good boost for me. I have also got a big congratulations from WordPress where my blog is compiled as my blog, had reach over 10.000 views which is a tremendous feat in itself. I have also had an offer to contribute a chapter to a book by the Head mental health. There are also other opportunities for me within the near future and I am feeling positive and excited by the prospect as to what life has to offer…

8 thoughts on “MY SHOCKING REALITY…

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  1. Jimmy it’s Luke give me a ring when you can it’s 07735154771

  2. Keep going your doing great and am sure your going to help so many more people get the TRUTH out there.

  3. Jim, you should have contacted me. Remember what we said – Once YCP always YCP.
    Take care. Glen

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