From a very early age trauma was a big part of our every day life. I grew up in a chaos… I have no better words to describe it, I was in trauma every day. I had the most chaotic, dysfunctional childhood that would exacerbate a little bit more each day as my years in age escalated, so did my traumas… My violent, psychological and physical abuse was horrific to say the least yet, with the life I had, I managed to hide it all and be strong, if not, then my world would of been more insane. (I WOULDN’T BE HERE TODAY) This was not a conscious decision to be strong, it was pure fear that forced me to become strong. I didn’t consciously know, I had become a frightened little boy that had mastered the art of being another…(someone else) on second thoughts, NO!!! NOT STRONG… That word doesn’t have enough power, neither does it describe, what I am trying to get across to the reader… I had to become another human being… I had to learn to become a whole new persona. This is if I was ever to survive, the indescribable acts that was being inflicted on my small body and mind, psychologically, physically and emotionally was beyond traumatic. I had to learn to live outside of my body, my mind, my feelings, emotions from the distorted, confused chaos and indescribable fear that was going on in my young life. This was throughout my childhood on a daily basis… Outside of me, nobody could see, as I had mastered this new persona. This went on, through my teens and in to early adulthood. Now as I man in his fifties, I look back in sadness, coupled awe & amazement of how I ever survived.


However, the fact is, I really didn’t survive. My life from an early age was part of the British Judicial System that became my parents, friends, siblings, enemies. It was my go-to place when I was lost, lonely, frightened. Prison and the judicial system was somewhere I hated and loved at the same time. Feeling frightened and disempowered in my own family, coupled with being in one institution or another for over 40 years was massive mentally for me, Massive in the sense on the impact it had on my world. Unfortunately major milestones, we all have in our lives and major events in life, was all in institutions… I experienced everything in a distorted world of incarceration and the four walls of a prison cell.

One who has experienced trauma the overwhelming cloud of fear seems to be always looming on the horizon. Even the best of days can quickly turn as anxious thoughts and feelings that erase anything good that may have happened in my life that day. One of the most difficult things about these fears and vulnerabilities is that, they often do not make sense. When others ask why there is fear or exactly what brought this fear on the only answer that can honestly be given is: “I don’t know!” It may not make sense and may be difficult to explain, but fear is real and overwhelming and at times even devastating. Which in turn is a miserable, difficult life to live. What is in question is my fear, the fear of giving my life over to something out of my control. The lifestyle that I have come from is not easy for me to trust. Trust is massive and sadly due to the chaotic way of life this is something that I have never experienced before. As my friend says, I have no reference point to go back ana find any measure to compare…

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